A DEFINITIVE Ranking of the 10 Most Attractive Officers at the Battle of Gettysburg

Disclaimer: This is a reply to an article composed by my dear friend Cam Sauers for Valentine’s Day.

These views and opinions have been reached with absolutely no definitive scientific certainty but heroic and aesthetic criteria by a well-known student of the Battle of Gettysburg.

1. John F. Reynolds

  • John Reynolds looks like a man that would 110% defend your honor and then take you out for ice cream.
  • Very brave and made a noble sacrifice at Gettysburg
  • Great officer, loved by his men (and his poor fiancée Katherine May Hewitt)
  • 9.5 out of 10

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2. Alonzo Cushing

  • “Oh, that day and that hour! History will not let that smiling, splendid boy die in vain; long her dew will glisten over his record as the earthly morning dew glistens in the fields. Fame loves the gentleman and the true-hearted, but her sweetheart is gallant youth.”- Morris Schaff, The Spirit of Old West Point page 31.
  • An absolute hero.
  • An absolute babe.
  • 13 out of 10

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3. Patrick O’Rorke

  • “We lament then, the death of him [O’Rorke] who was not only a brave and efficient officer, but our mutual friend and companion. No nobler sacrifice has been made upon our country’s altar.” Brian Bennet, Sons of Old Monroe, 269-270.
  • First Irish immigrant into West Point, graduated first in his class.
  • Imagine that accent tho
  • An absolute sweetheart– married his childhood sweetheart during the war
  • Beloved officer and died gallantly
  • Those cheekbones
  • Deserves a Medal of Honor
  • 10 out of 10

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4 & 5. The Chamberlain Brothers (Tom and John, def not Lawrence)

  • The underappreciated Chamberlains
  • Needs love too
  • Fantastic mustache/sideburns combo for Tom, cheek bones that could cut a man for John
  • 9 out of 10

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6. Emory Upton

  • Sad boy genius
  • Went to West Point
  • A good kid
  • 8 out of 10

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7. Hubert Dilger

  • Wore leather pants and was an artillerist, need I say more?
  • 9.8 out of 10

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8. Winfield Scott Hancock

  • I’ll agree with Cam on this one
  • 9/10

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9. Paul J. Revere

  • Grandson of Paul Revere
  • A part of the Harvard Regiment (20th Mass.)
  • Died valiantly
  • 7.5 out of 10
    Paul-Joseph-Revere

10. Charles Hazlett

  • Artillery (which is by FAR the most attractive branch of the Civil War js)
  • West Point May 1861
  • Got a battery up Little Round Top which in it of itself is an attractive feat
  • Died valiantly
  • 9.75 out of 10

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Honorable Mention:

  • Sam Elliot as John Buford

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(Sources: Wikimedia Commons and my own private stash of photos of Civil War West Pointers)

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